Each week, exclusively for Slate Plus members, Prudie discusses a new letter with a fellow Slate colleague. Have a question for Prudie? Submit it here.
Dear Prudence,
I’m seriously considering plastic surgery and my husband is mad about it. He gives a hundred reasons, new ones every time.
It’s not about money. I’ve been saving my personal money towards it, I budgeted for extra expenses and complications. I’m 52, I know I can’t buy youth. I’m keeping my expectations reasonable while considering lipo and/or a tummy tuck. I’m at a healthy weight, active, have great muscle tone and I eat carefully, but that can’t do everything. I was shopping around for the right cosmetic practice, but now we’re really fighting about this topic.
In menopause, it felt like suddenly all my body fat migrated to my belly. Both my doctor and the menopause specialist I saw said the exact same things: I shouldn’t lose weight at my current size, this issue can’t really be fixed hormonally, and it’s common but not a big deal. But it’s a big deal to me. I feel like my face, butt and limbs are suddenly bony, but my belly is rounder than I’d like.
I’m not interested in fillers, and I don’t need to augment my breasts or butt. I know I’m aging, and I’m mostly OK with that, visually. But I would love this gone, I hate the way I’m conscious of it in missionary sex. I hate how it feels running or doing yoga. I hate how my belly looks in clothes. I don’t really understand why this is such a huge upsetting thing to my husband. How do I cool down this conversation and try to get him to understand?
— Self-Conscious
Jenée Desmond-Harris: I find this situation very tough because I believe two things that are kind of in conflict: 1) It’s fine to do whatever you want with your body—especially if you’ve done thorough research and have reasonable expectations and the procedure you want is likely to fix something that’s making it hard for you to enjoy life, and 2) It’s totally reasonable to worry about a loved one having a major surgery that isn’t medically necessary and could have scary complications. Or even to be concerned that the desire to take that risk represents something troubling.
Lizzie O’Leary: I feel like this letter was made in a lab for me. I am 49, and if someone offered me a free upper blepharoplasty tomorrow, I would take it. Because I look tired as hell, just all the damn time (much of this may have to do with being 49 and having a 5-year-old, like a crazy person). But also! If I had surgery I would maybe … judge myself? I am very conflicted about the ease with which society has commercialized major surgery AND the intense misogynist beauty standards that women absorb all our lives. I think the two big points you make, Jenée, are spot on. I am really struck by the intensity of emotion in this letter. I wonder if the LW has laid it out for her husband the way she did to us, because seeing the repeated use of the word “hate” is not how I would want someone I love to feel!
Jenée: Yeah, I wonder if she has really explained it. Something I’ve read in a lot of previous letters about similar dilemmas is a husband saying “But I’m fine with the thing you want to fix and I’m still attracted to you.” And I can see where that comes from because society tells us women’s bodies are meant for men’s enjoyment. But this is really about a feeling that’s nagging the LW all the time, even in yoga class. I wonder if he gets that. It’s tough because yes, ideally, we would all be totally fine with our bodies and not want to change anything because we know they’re just vessels and obsessing over them is dumb. But it might actually be easier for her to get there—to a point where she’s thinking about other stuff instead of her stomach—by having this procedure. And there’s no reward at the end of life for suffering through things you could have fixed.
To be clear, it’s her body and I think she should do the surgery if she wants to, regardless of how her husband feels. I’m just trying to think of how she might explain it to decrease some of the resistance from the person who is going to be picking her up in the recovery room.
Lizzie: You know, you are making me think of a conversation I had with my husband not too long ago where I learned that he had not spent his entire life from the age of 12 on feeling bad about his body and it was … stunning? I genuinely struggled to understand. Because it was just so different from my experience. And I think we were both wowed by the realities that the other person lived in. And we know each other really well! I also think maybe, on a more practical level, it might help (after the other conversation) to have her husband accompany her to a consult. Maybe learning more about the procedure, the team, etc., might answer some of his questions. Maybe not, but many people feel comforted by having more information. Only she knows if her husband is one of those people (I know it will shock you, but I always want all the details, all the time).
Jenée: I’m right there with you, wanting all the details. I think it’s a great idea to bring him to the consultation. He could be part of the conversation about whether lipo or a tummy tuck makes more sense. And maybe he’ll even pick up one of those little brochures from the waiting room and see something he’d like to have done!